I haven’t been posting a lot recently, and that’s been mostly down to my completely packed class/work/organizing schedule, which thankfully will be ending in two weeks. The problem hasn’t so much been workload, which is honestly pretty light compared to other quarters I’ve had, but it’s been work that has been so basic that it completely turns me off. I know it sounds pretentious and all that, but when I’m not doing work that interests me, my brain can kind of turn off with it. So, doing all this make-work stresses me out, and I spend so much time doing it (because a lot of it is math, and math makes me panic) that I end up being too stressed to blog. It’s a vicious cycle.
Furthermore, when I’m too stressed to blog, I get stressed by the fact that I’m not blogging. I can’t think of what to write about, or I have an idea but worry that my idea is too similar to other people’s writing. Basically, my brain is very good at finding ways to suck.
It’s apathy of a sort, in that I think in the fear of failing, or being repetitive, or simply piling on to this discussion or another rather than adding to it substantively, my brain convinces itself that it’d just rather do nothing at all, and we should really watch that episode of Eureka or play FIFA for a while rather than try to write. That’ll de-stress you, I think, you can write after you just turn off your brain for a while. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when it’s the latter, it makes me feel even worse. And the cycle begins again.
The moral of the story is, while some of my pieces have gotten good play out in the interwebs, and the fact that last Friday I hosted a panel of some of my greatest intellectual heroes, a few of whom told me they found what I write to be very important, which was overwhelming to say the least, I’m still figuring out how the hell this whole blogging game works right now. And I don’t know if I’m going to figure it out any time soon, or if I ever will. But I do like doing it, a lot, and I like talking to you readers when you share my stuff or make comments on it. So, I’m hoping that after next week, when I’ll get to bid Chicago adieu for a week to go recharge my batteries in New York and Boston with friends old and new, I’ll be back on my game.
In the meantime, I’ll be locked up in my apartment, scribbling away about Aristotle and Agamben and Kristeva. C’est la vie.